I remember reading somewhere that most teens today think that they would have preferred to grow up in the 1990s, a time when there was Internet and television but smartphones and social media had not arrived on the scene, and since I am a 1990s kid myself, I do feel nostalgic for those years when we were not constantly connected. We did not know what we were missing.
Of course, we are not going back. The new technology landscape is not all bad. I love FaceTimes and ordering groceries while waiting at the doctor’s office and sending texts instead of playing phone tag. But, like most everyone else, I worry about the unforeseen short- and long-term consequences of all of these new communication and intelligence platforms.
I especially worry about what we are doing to our kids with this technology. If adults have trouble exercising self-control with these tools, how can we expect to hand them freely over to our kids?
I struggle with how much access to give our 12-year-old and almost 7-year-old to screens. On the one hand, they need to learn to navigate the digital world and build their skills as they approach adulthood, but on the other hand, much of what is on screens is not intended for children. Essential skills of childhood—playing, making friends, going outside, learning to move their bodies, building imaginatively—do not happen on screens.
Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation sounds the alarm on the move from a primarily play-based childhood to a screen-based childhood, and I am persuaded by many of his arguments. While I have not adopted all of the practices he recommends, I am in agreement with most of them. The primary counterarguments to limiting children’s access to screens have to do with the social component: most kids above the age of 10 or 12 have a personal device that they carry with them, so if your child does not, they are left out. Haidt argues that parents need to band together and create collective change. That sounds great in theory, but where we live, that ship has sailed.
Below I share some of the technology we use with our kids and our reasoning behind each, not because I think we have the answers (in fact, I am sure we will make mistakes and regret some of our choices later), but because I find it helpful to learn what other families are doing and consider what might work for our family.
Here are some of our current non-negotiables, and these may change down the road:
Screens do not come in bedrooms without parent permission. Rarely do we give permission. Screens should be used in “public” spaces at home, like the living room and kitchen, so we can easily monitor what is going on. Our 12-year-old has a reading Kindle, and that is an exception, since it functions like a book.
No social media. Legally, neither child is allowed yet anyway. We would like to hold off on this as long as possible—until 16 or 18 is my current thought.
Kids watch shows from curated platforms like Netflix and Disney Plus, set with limits appropriate for their age. We don’t do YouTube or random internet videos. The kids haven’t asked, and I’m not going to suggest this. (Unfortunately the Chromebooks the kids receive from school do allow certain YouTube and internet streaming videos, and the kids have discovered them.)
Screens are a privilege, not a right. Certain chores must be done to “earn” screen time.
Dinners are screen-free for everyone in the family.
A note I’ll add: Kids use screens a fair amount in the public schools in our area. The middle school classwork is almost exclusively on a screen, and kids can do whatever they would like on their Chromebooks when the teachers give them free time. The school security settings block a lot of content, but there is still plenty of junk the kids can access. I really don’t love this, but it is beyond my control, and I know that one of the challenges of the present day is learning to exhibit self-control with our devices. I do not want to be so strict in our house that our kids set out on their own at age 18 and routinely stay up until 4 am browsing the internet because they do not know to deal with their newfound freedom. My intention is gradually to loosen the reins as the kids get older.
Here is the technology that our family uses and that I endorse:
1. Gabb watch and Gabb phone
We first purchased a Gabb watch, which allows kids to make calls to approved contacts and has a GPS signal that connects to the parent’s smartphone. (Many of our friends with Verizon have Gizmo watches they use with their kids, which seem nearly identical to Gabb watches.) I love that the kids can have the run of the neighborhood and let us know where they are going with these watches. We gave a watch to our then 11-year-old to wear to school because her bus was very unreliable, so she could let us know with the watch when she was picked up. I will say that the watch was definitely uncool when all of her friends already had smartphones, but she used it her sixth grade year. Now we have given our son the watch to wear when he is out in the neighborhood. He will not bring it to school or wear it otherwise when he is at home because there is no need. It stays in our charging drawer when it is not on his wrist.
This summer, after sixth grade, we decided to give our daughter a Gabb phone. I will admit that we did this primarily because almost every other kid on the bus and at school already had a phone, and no kids talk to each other on the bus; they all have their heads buried in their phones (this is so sad!). This Gabb phone is a smartphone outfitted with certain apps that the parents can approve for download, but importantly the phone does not have an internet browser or social media. She can listen to music, check out library books through Libby, listen to audiobooks, check her allowance, play some games, make calls, and text friends.
This is a “starter” smartphone. It is not cheap. I know some parents opt to put their children on their cell phone plans and then set up certain screen time controls. This is probably the less expensive route, but my husband Dan and I liked that kids cannot find a way around permissions and settings on the Gabb phone because the Gabb phone does not have the capability to do the things we are trying to block in the first place. I hear the arguments about trusting your kid with some freedom—I do—but while my kid is still 12 and very new to the digital world, I want protections for her in place. I do not expect her always to have the best judgment—she is still learning.
Whew! That was the big one. The rest are less controversial and much lower stakes.
2. Hum toothbrush
I think I’ve mentioned this one before. This is a toothbrush with an app for kids that helps them improve their toothbrushing skills. You do have to download the app to a phone and allow camera access so your child’s face can appear in the app, so if that gives you pause, this may not be the right move for you. The app is a game that asks the kids to defeat monsters by brushing them away. My kids are doing a much better job brushing their teeth and are way more excited to do so! This has been a win for our family.
3. Storybutton
This is very new to me, so I can only give you my first impressions. Storybutton is a podcast player. It looks like an old-school radio but has speakers and a headphone jack. It connects to WiFi and plays all sorts of podcasts. The podcasts are native to the device maker, so you cannot find the same podcast libraries you would on an app like Spotify. What is wonderful is that there is no subscription fee. You pay for the device, and that is it! There are over 10,000 podcasts and the library is still growing. Our son loves this. The target ages are 5-12, and I would say that rings true. I know Tonieboxes are similar and very popular, but those hit the market a little late for my kids—I felt like my kids were getting a little on the old side. I have heard wonderful things about Tonies, but I don’t love that you need to keep buying new “stories.”
4. Kindle for kids (with wireless headphones)
Our daughter has a Kids Reading Kindle (not a Kindle Fire), which looks like the Kindle Paperwhite for adults. She enjoys listening to books more than reading them traditionally, so she will use Bluetooth headphones to listen to books on her Kindle. You can pay for a Kids subscription to give them access to tons of books, but you also can simply check out digital books from your local library and load them onto the Kindle.
5. iPads and tablets
We have two iPads for car trips. At one point, we had a few Kindle Fires, but we found those to be glitchy and poorly made. They did not last long for us, so we would not buy them again. In our family, we are careful to say that the iPads belong to us (the parents), not the kids. Dan and I also use the iPads for FaceTimes or to play music at home. The iPads, like all of our other devices, live in the charging station at home. The kids have access to the tablets, but they must ask for permission. We have a few educational platforms loaded onto the tablets too, like Reading Eggs, Khan Academy, and Prodigy, but we are not hugely into educational games. I think the kids get those enough in school, and I would rather them play a board game or do something creative or go outside than play a game on a screen (or better yet, read a book!). These screens are mostly used for travel.
6. Wii
Does anyone even know what the Wii is anymore? This is Dan’s gaming platform from before college. It still works, though! Games must be purchased through ebay because Wiis are not made anymore, but we have a few games that the kids can play, like Mario Kart and Dance Dance Revolution.
I am nearly 2,000 words in and I feel that we barely scratched the surface! I know there is so much more to this conversation, like screen time limits, parental monitoring, and privacy(how much should we give our kids concerning technology, if any), but maybe those merit another post.
Parents who are a few steps ahead of me: What are your best tips? What have you learned? What do you wish you had known? And everyone else: Isn’t the world just nuts? What is your take on all of this?
Yes, the world is a little (or, maybe, a LOT), nuts. Your description of the kids on the school bus glued to their phones saddens me beyond measure.