I have been on reserve duty this month, and a big focus of my work as an Air Force chaplain is resiliency. Resiliency is a buzz word that can be thrown around too often, but it acknowledges how important it is to be able to adapt and bounce back in the face of hardship. A key predictor of how resilient someone will be is their connectedness to others. The more we have connection, the more we can endure and even thrive in challenging circumstances.
As you might imagine, spilling personal worries and sharing vulnerabilities is not common in Air Force culture. Yet research increasingly demonstrates the importance of feeling a sense of belonging, and that belonging only happens when you feel known and accepted as you are. One afternoon another airman in my office decided to open up about a personal relationship struggle, and the entire chapel team had an impromptu counseling session with him. We listened, asked questions, and offered our opinion when we asked. He did a brave thing in sharing, and we all became closer in that interaction. We saw each other as complex, layered human beings, not simply coworkers.
Undoubtedly it takes discernment to choose what to share. I bet you have people in your social media feeds who overshare, and we all have had that uncomfortable dinner conversation where we are hearing way too many private details about someone’s marriage. I bet you also have people in your lives whom you have known for years and yet you still know very little about them. The relationship and conversation barely penetrate the surface, and you stick to breezy, noncontroversial interactions. Not every relationship needs to be deep. Sociologist and acclaimed author and speaker Brene Brown has educated extensively about the power of vulnerability, but she acknowledges the importance of boundaries. Vulnerability is not always appropriate. Or sometimes vulnerability is best displayed in a relationship that is more one-sided, like in therapy or confession.
There are a few things that the Air Force does right when it comes to create safe spaces to share. Air Force chaplains are bound to 100 percent confidentiality, no exceptions. I have had a number of airmen come in to see me to get something off of their chests. You can almost see the visible weight lifted off of them when they divulge the secret they have been holding; they leave the office a hundred pounds lighter. The Air Force also moves personnel around to different bases frequently, so you are never with the same people for too long (although you may cross paths again down the road). Not only do the airmen who come to the chapel know that the chaplains cannot say anything, they also know that they probably will not see the chaplain for very long before they or the chaplain change assignments. It can be easier to share, especially those dark and vulnerable parts of ourselves, when we do not have to worry about what comes next, how to handle those awkward moments that come in subsequent encounters.
For myself, I find it easiest to be most vulnerable with those who have known me for a long time. There is no shortcut for history. Those years of relationship have built trust, and I suppose that I instinctively know that when I share something, I will not be judged only for what I am saying right then but understood for who I am as a person who has evolved over many years—for better and for worse (hopefully mostly for the better).
But—BUT—I believe that it is healthy and a good thing to (judiciously) show moments of vulnerability to our wider social circles. Vulnerability cannot exactly be calculated— that runs counter to authenticity—but we have opportunities every day to share something real instead of skimming the surface. We do not have to take every one of these invitations, but we can accept some. I can answer the question “How are you?” with a little more reflection and substance than just “fine” or “good” or “busy.” I can let people into my world just a bit by explaining that I am having a tough time parenting or that I have felt invigorated by working towards a running goal. Learning what makes people “tick,” what fires them up, and what challenges them strengthens connections.
I like knowing that my coworker’s favorite way to unwind after a stressful day is to watch Breaking Bad and that my neighbor loves drinking Smart Water after hard workouts. Of course we know these sorts of details about our close friends and family members. We do not always bother learning these idiosyncrasies about our looser ties, but these are the people with whom we spend much of our days. It is worth our while to nurture these relationships too.
It just takes that brave person to go first—like that airman on my team. Kudos to him.
(And I have not even touched sharing online, but that is part 2)